Ombuds Report: Getting Some Perspective

Most of you know I’ve been away for the past few months. My family has had the honor of adopting a precious baby boy, Urijah Timothy.  After bringing him home from California, he and I have had some precious one-on-one time as we have welcomed him into our family unit and transitioned to a life with three children.

By the time this newsletter is released, I will be back at work.  If anyone has ever been on extended leave, especially parental leave, you know how difficult the prospect of returning to work can be. I’m definitely feeling that.

But I’m also able to step back and see how this change in my family has given me some needed perspective in the face of difficult situations I see in my work.  For example, one of the problems I was facing before I left on leave was the fact that a colleague no longer wants me to attend meetings that I have always attended.  That is disappointing.  However, now that I have even more to do at home, I can reframe the situation from a personal snub to a relief that I am excused from yet another meeting.  While this colleague may not like me or want my help, I have three little ones at home who do like me and who need me—sometimes a little too much.  I can let this one go.

Another area I have been able to get perspective on is upward feedback.  The Ombuds Office provides this upward feedback to leaders across the institution with the goal of moving the needle on making Clemson a better, fairer place.  Upward feedback can be difficult when the leader I am addressing does not want to hear what I have to say.  At the same time, even when I think a conversation was a failure, I can’t always know how what I say is absorbed.  We’ve talked to my older kids, Zeke and Havi, about Urijah’s adoption, and they were able to be with us in California when we went to bring Urijah home.  I recently heard Havi, who is three, explain adoption to her friend, and while it never seems like she is listening to me, it was remarkable how much she absorbed. At work, I recently had the experience where an in-person feedback conversation went poorly, but I found out later that my recommendations were followed.  If we are moving toward a better Clemson for faculty, staff, and students, I can live with the fact that I won’t get the credit for providing that feedback.  Instead, I will focus on helping the person in front of me however I can and trust that that is enough.

Another important lesson of these past few months refers to the “and” stance, which I have written about a lot in this newsletter.  The and stance says that we don’t have to choose between things; multiple things can be true at the same time and multiple perspectives can be valid at the same time.  This has never been more apparent to me than in navigating the relationship between Urijah’s birth family and our family.  Urijah’s mom is his mom AND I am his mom. Urijah’s birth family loves him AND his new family loves him.  We don’t have to choose which one of us is his “real’ mom or which family truly loves him. Urijah is surrounded by love and care. The and stance can be so helpful amid complex situations because we usually go into them trying to figure out who wins or who gets to claim something that the other must then relinquish. It just doesn’t have to be like that.  And as these past few months have made abundantly clear to me, there is so much else to focus on!  I’m happy to be back and excited to learn what I missed.  Don’t hesitate to schedule coffee or lunch with me or to reach out if I can be helpful in your situation.