Tag: Ombuds

This month, I want to address the difference between my hopes and my expectations.  As a personal example, I hope as my children grow up, I can develop authentic friendships with them.  But those relationships are two-sided, and I cannot control that.  As they grow up, I expect them to show kindness and respect to those around them, to work hard at school, and to apologize when they mess up.  The difference here is that I am going to hold them accountable to my expectations, while my hopes are not something I am going to put on their shoulders.

As Provost Smith continues to settle into his role, I hope he and I can develop trust and rapport.  But trust and rapport cannot be forced and can certainly grow with time.  I expect that as my supervisor he will treat me with respect, listen when I have a concern, and communicate his expectations to me (so far so good—I’m grateful for his return to Clemson!).  If those expectations are not met, then it indicates to me that we need to get on the same page about our professional relationship. 

I can hope for a lot, but what do I expect from the people around me?  The difference between hope and expectation is that you might respond to an unmet expectation in the professional domain in a different way than you would an unrealized hope.  An unrealized hope is disappointing; an unmet expectation can be an indicator that there is a disconnect between you and the other person that impacts the work you are doing. 

The three important questions are:

1. Do they know what my expectations are?
2. Do they agree to meet these expectations? 
3. If the answers to the previous two questions are yes, then why was this expectation not met?

First, the person you are expecting to do something needs to know you have those expectations.  Expecting someone to read your mind and predict your expectations is never reasonable.  What is desirable to you might be completely off the table for someone else, so communication about what you expect is pivotal.  Second, you can expect the moon, but until the other person agrees to meet those expectations, either explicitly or not, you cannot expect them to be met.  If you are a supervisor, you might not have to seek explicit agreement about your expectations, but communication surrounding them is essential to your employee’s success.  If the relationship does not have a power dynamic, you might need to have a more direct conversation about what you expect and whether the other person agrees to live up to that.  Of course, they also get to share what they expect, and you can respond.  Then you can have an “expectation negotiation” to see what you both agree to in the relationship. 

Finally, if you are sure the other person knows your expectations and agrees to them, you can begin to explore why your expectations were not met.  Was it a communication challenge?  Forgetfulness?  Capacity?  Malice?  Did the other person misunderstand what you expected?  In some relationships, it is easy for us to assume bad intentions led to the unmet expectation, but I encourage you to be willing to explore alternative explanations. 

To keep unrealized hopes or unmet expectations from impacting our work, we need to separate our hopes and expectations.  When the separation is successful, we can better process when something undesirable happens.  If my kids do not want to be my friend when they grow up, I will be disappointed, but I won’t be devastated that they neglected an expectation that they previously agreed to.  I’m also not going to walk into Provost Smith’s office and expect him to be my running buddy!  These can be hopes I have that are separate from what I expect to happen.  Then if my hope is not realized, I can process it, refuse to let it impact the relationship, and be ready to move forward. 

Have you been treating your hopes like expectations?  Have you been putting your hopes onto people who do not even know what it is you want to happen?  When we are clear about what we expect, we are more equipped to respond to unmet expectations.  When we separate our hopes, we are not putting something unreasonable onto someone else that they never agreed to achieve.  (But side note—there’s no way my kids won’t want to be my friend, right?)  Enjoy the last days of summer!

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What is the Ombuds Office?
The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Tessa Byer
Phone:  864-656-5353
Email:  tbyer@clemson.edu
Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

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Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds Office:

Don’t Tough It Out:  Difficult Situations at Work

Friday, Sept. 11, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/sessions/7126/enroll

Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces

Friday, Sept. 25, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/sessions/7128/enroll

Giving Effective Feedback

Wed., Oct. 14 from 9:00 to 10:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/3bc50439/sessions/7129/enroll

Emotional Intelligence at Work

Friday, Oct. 30, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/sessions/7130/enroll

Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience

Friday, Nov. 6, from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/sessions/7132/enroll

In May, Michael wrote in this newsletter about being impartial when you are asked to be involved in your colleagues’ conflicts.  For the most part, you all get to choose when you want to be impartial and when you want to take sides; we in the Ombuds Office do not.  Remaining impartial is a core value of Ombuds work, and it allows us to mediate conflict, facilitate conversations, pass messages from one person to another, and ensure everyone’s perspectives get airtime in a discussion.  I consider remaining impartial to be quite the luxury: While I can care deeply about the people and the situations that come through my office, I also am able to at some point let go of the situation and recognize that it is not on my shoulders to fix.  Maybe an advisor asks me to offer mediation to their supervisor.  I can offer it, but if the supervisor declines, I have no authority to compel it.  I can walk the advisor through what they might do next, but a situation cannot be mediated by the Ombuds until everyone agrees to come to the table. 

Sometimes, though, impartiality has a dark side.  When someone comes to me with a concern, my job is to help them feel heard and identify their options.  At times I can form a bond with this visitor (as we call people who come to our office), and I think that makes it better for both of us.  However, occasionally, this bond makes any reminder about impartiality jarring and almost disloyal. 

I had a situation this past semester where an employee decided she wanted me there when she confronted her supervisor with perceptions of how the relationship was going.  This employee was fed up with what she reported as verbal abuse, micromanagement, and social undermining.  After talking about the specifics of how a conversation like that would go, the employee decided to have the conversation without me.  Specifically, she was disappointed that I would give her supervisor an opportunity to bring up any concerns she has had in the relationship.  In other words, a conversation with an impartial party facilitating cannot be one-sided, and this employee was not looking for a two-sided dialogue. 

I can acknowledge that sometimes it is disappointing to share your situation with someone who has to remain impartial about it.  It can certainly be challenging not to act when I feel strongly about a situation!  But impartiality does not have to mean stoicism or a lack of empathy.  It just means that the other person—the one who in your story might be the bully or the villain—is going to get full access to the Ombuds’ time and empathy too. 

If impartiality is not what you are looking for—that’s very understandable!  The Office of Human Resources, counseling services, and your own supervisor, colleagues, friends, and family do not have to practice to the standard of impartiality.  They can join you in believing the other person is a jerk and that you have done nothing wrong.  And if that’s what you need, we will help you identify them and get to the right resource.  But if you are looking for someone everyone can trust to sit in the middle and facilitate a conversation, give us a call. 

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What is the Ombuds Office?
The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Tessa Byer
Phone:  864-656-5353
Email:  tbyer@clemson.edu
Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

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Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds Office:

Don’t Tough It Out:  Difficult Situations at Work

Friday, Sept. 11, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/sessions/7126/enroll

Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces

Friday, Sept. 25, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/sessions/7128/enroll

Giving Effective Feedback

Wed., Oct. 14 from 9:00 to 10:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/3bc50439/sessions/7129/enroll

Emotional Intelligence at Work

Friday, Oct. 30, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/sessions/7130/enroll

Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience

Friday, Nov. 6, from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/sessions/7132/enroll

In today’s newsletter, Staff Senate President Victoria Perry welcomes a new season and new Staff Senators. Plus, the upcoming events from the South Carolina Botanical Garden, this month’s Clemson Champion, Ombuds report and more!

Join us Thursday, May 13 at 2:30PM in the Watt Center room 106 or virtually (https://clemson.zoom.us/j/98701587511) for the May Staff Senate meeting.  

Letter from the President, May 2026

Meet Emily DaBruzzi, Clemson Champion

What Does it Mean to be Impartial?

Entrepreneurship 101 Bootcamp is Back, Summer 2026

2026 Summer Events at the SC Botanical Garden

CORE Launches Summer Pilot Program for Staff and Faculty Outdoor Adventures

CAPS providing virtual workshop series for faculty and staff

Have you ever been drawn into a conflict between co-workers or colleagues? Perhaps one or both people pressured you to take sides. If you felt uncomfortable doing so, because you could see valid points from both points of view, you were likely striving for impartiality.   Situations like these are difficult in life in general but even more so within the office setting when you just want people to get along, so you can get back to work.

I recently met with a staff member who had been brought into the middle of an interpersonal conflict between two of his co-workers. They work in a very small office and have a culture that allows for frequent and open communication. Since starting in his role, other staff members have gone to him with their problems, but this particular conflict has been eating up too much of his time and energy. He wants his co-workers to get along, but he can see how they both can be right and both be wrong at times during the conflict. He also has a much longer history with one of the co-workers, while the other is new to the office. He really likes both colleagues, and he believes picking sides would ruin his relationship with at least one of them. He would like to be impartial, help them resolve this conflict, maintain these relationships, and ultimately get back to work but is not sure how.

So, what does it actually mean to be impartial?

If you have ever met with our office or attended one of our training sessions, you might have heard us mention that impartiality is one of our guiding principles. For an Ombuds, impartiality is a professional standard. Since we have no stake in the outcome of a conflict, we have the luxury of distance. We can focus entirely on a fair process where everyone is treated equally. But in the daily life of a department, you often don’t have the luxury of being uninvolved. You are involved because you share an office, a project, or a lunch table with the people in conflict. When you are in it, impartiality isn’t a default setting; it’s a conscious choice.

During an office conflict, you might find yourself wondering: “Do I want to be impartial, or do I have to be?” As a peer, the choice is often about protecting your environment. You might want to stay impartial to preserve your relationships; you value both people and know that picking a side could cause lasting damage to those relationships. Other times, you have to be impartial as a matter of professional integrity; perhaps because you are an informal leader in the group or because the team’s success is based on your decisions. The key is to realize that even if you aren’t an Ombuds, you can still employ the benefits of impartiality: listening to everyone, refusing to let personal bias sway you, and keeping your focus on objective standards rather than office politics.

Bernard Mayer suggests in his book, The Conflict Paradox, “true impartiality isn’t just about staying out of it but being a balanced resource holding space for the rightness and wrongness of both parties simultaneously.” In the scenario I described earlier, it’s the ability to listen to that long-time colleague and the new hire with the same level of curiosity and not letting your history cloud your judgement. Being impartial also means prioritizing what both people truly want to accomplish in the conflict. Whether it is your job to decide who is the winner or not, you can advocate for a fair process where all the facts and feelings are on the table before a solution is identified.

How can I be impartial at work when I am brought into a conflict?

First, clarify your role early. If you are being pulled into a conflict, it is okay to set a boundary. You can say, “I value my relationship with both of you, so I’m going to stay impartial. I won’t take sides, but I am happy to help you both brainstorm how to move forward.”

Next, have a “Heart at Peace.” Before you jump in, ask yourself if you’ve already picked a side in your mind. The Arbinger Institute’s book, The Anatomy of Peace, reminds us that if we see one person as a “problem” and the other as a “victim,” we’ve already taken sides and lost our impartiality. Try to see both individuals as people with legitimate needs and fears.

Finally, focus on the mutual problem: When you feel pressured to take a side, pivot the conversation back to what everyone wants. You might say, “It sounds like you both want this project to succeed, but you have different ideas on the timeline. Let’s focus on that goal.” If you have ever been through our Difficult Situations at Work training (shameless plug) we call this concept, “Us vs. The Problem” rather than “You vs. Me.”

Being impartial isn’t about being passive; it’s about being a steady anchor in a stormy situation. By staying impartial, you aren’t just staying out of it; you’re actually creating the safe space necessary for the conflict to finally be resolved.

Michael Scott
Associate Ombuds
Phone:  864-656-6353
Email:  mesctt@clemson.edu
Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

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What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Save the date for upcoming Fall 2026 trainings offered by the Ombuds Office:

Don’t Tough It Out:  Difficult Situations at Work

Friday, Sept. 11 from 9:00 to 12:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/sessions/7126/enroll

Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces

Friday, Sept. 25 from 9:00 to 11:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/sessions/7128/enroll

Giving Effective Feedback

Wed., Oct. 14 from 9:00 to 10:30

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/3bc50439/sessions/7129/enroll

Emotional Intelligence at Work

Friday, Oct. 30 from 9:00 to 11:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/sessions/7130/enroll

Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience

Friday, Nov. 6 from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/sessions/7132/enroll

In today’s newsletter, Staff Senate President Stacey Miller provides her latest report. Plus, the upcoming events from the South Carolina Botanical Garden, this month’s Clemson Champion, Ombuds report and more!

March 2025- President’s Report

March 2026 – Is My Face Giving Me Away?

Meet Kelly Gonzales, Clemson Champion

Spring is Coming, and Andy’s is Calling!

Upcoming Events at the SCBG

At a training session recently, a participant asked me what she should do when she is in a difficult conversation, and her face communicates something before anything comes out of her mouth.  She admitted that this has gotten her into trouble personally and professionally, even when she is trying to be wise and measured in her responses.  Before she can acknowledge what she has heard someone say, ask thoughtful open-ended questions, and use the concern formula to express concerns, her face gives her away!

This is not an uncommon phenomenon, and it is not a dealbreaker in having productive conflict resolution conversations.  Our bodies react to situations instantaneously, while our brains and language centers take a minute to catch up.  This may come out on your face, your body language, or your tone.  You might make a quick, snide comment before you can catch yourself.  You might find yourself raising your voice to someone before you remember making the decision to yell.  Some people turn red when they are upset or frustrated, even if they have not said a word.  If this happens to you, there are ways to prevent damage from occurring. 

The first step is to know about these reactions and explore why they might be happening.  If your body is reacting before you say a word, the odds are someone has said something to you about it.  Awareness of your reactions is key, but it also helps to reflect on why they might be occurring in the first place.  When you know how you react, you can make those around you aware as well.  In both personal and professional relationships, you can call out your tendency to react physiologically and let the other person know that your face’s reaction is not always indicative of what you are thinking or feeling.  In other words, warn the people in your life that this will happen in times of conflict or tense conversations, and request that they withhold judgment until you have a minute to think and say what you actually want to say.  I know that my husband retreats into silence if our discussions become tense.  After I say something, I might have to wait 10 to 30 minutes for his response.  When we were first together, I thought he was refusing to talk to me.  Now I know that I will need to wait for his response.  Relationships involve negotiating how you are going to interact and resolve conflict.  Being able to share with someone that you know this about yourself, and here’s the best way for you both to handle it can help prevent difficult conversations from escalating.

Of course, it is not possible to tell everyone you interact with about your instinctive physiological reactions.  So if it happens with someone who does not know you well, a great response is to acknowledge it.  Saying something like, “It seems like you are reacting to the expression on my face, but I don’t want you to take that to represent how I am thinking and feeling.  I know that my face reacts before I’m ready, and I might need a minute before I can respond to you.”  Calling it out makes it clear that you are not trying to hide the reaction, but you are also requesting some time to state what your actual reaction is. 

Finally, whether you are able to preempt these responses, or you are scrambling to respond to them after they emerge, you can work on them.  You can work to control your face, tone, or body language, so they don’t give away what you are really thinking.  My husband has lowered his response time the longer we have been married, so I’m not waiting quite as long for his responses to my questions.  We can evolve and get better.  Our faces, bodies, and tone might betray us, but the betrayal is not detrimental.  It can even lead to knowing ourselves and each other better.    

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What is the Ombuds Office?
The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Tessa Byer
Phone:  864-656-5353
Email:  tbyer@clemson.edu
Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

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Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces
April 10, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00
In person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: 
Registration link

In today’s newsletter, Staff Senate President Stacey Miller provides her latest report. Plus, the Staff Senate Golf Tournament is back for another round, the latest Ombuds Report, First Aid/CPR classes from Campus Recreation and more!

February 2026: Letter from the Staff Senate President

2026 Staff Senate Golf Tournament

Ombuds Report: February  2026 – You’re Doing Fine:  Relieving the Achievement Pressure

First Aid/CPR/AED Classes Available for Staff This Spring

Free Weekly Wildflower Walks Begin in March

MBA Virtual Information Session set for March 10

We all know the traditional picture of a leader: someone with a corner office, a fancy title, and the final say, but the most dynamic and successful teams aren’t led by just one person at the top. They thrive because leadership is distributed at all levels of the organization. As leadership expert John C. Maxwell states, “Leadership is a choice you make, not a place you sit” (Maxwell, 2006).

No matter where you sit within your organization, you have the ability to influence those around you.  Here at Clemson, where innovation and collaboration are a significant part of the strategic plan, mastering the art of leading your peers is essential. This is how we amplify our impact, solve tough problems, and build a workplace where everyone feels empowered to contribute.

So, how do we do this? It comes down to three fundamental strategies:

1. Build Trust and Empathy

Trust is what holds teams together, especially when you’re leading your peers and teammates without formal authority. Empathetic trust is built through your efforts to be a genuine, consistent and reliable teammate—someone who is honest with others and creates psychological safety for others to be honest too.

Imagine a co-worker needs help with a difficult report. Be a teammate who doesn’t just offer advice but instead devotes their time, being willing to step in to assist if needed. Ask them: What can you take off their plate?  What can you do to help? Is there something you can take on, so they can focus on this project? Offering assistance isn’t just about being helpful; it creates trust and acknowledges the human element of office interactions.

When your peers know you’re reliable, dependable, selfless, and trustworthy, they will begin to look to you as a leader. [TB1] When an informal leader shows they care and are willing to step in to help others, they elevate the entire team. When others feel like you care, they’re more likely to consider your ideas, which opens the door for you to guide and influence.

2. Find the Best Solutions

Since good ideas are the building block of innovation within an organization, it is important to invest time and energy generating and fostering ideas. It is also natural to fight for your own ideas because of this investment, but a peer leader is more focused on the success of their team than their own personal agenda. Maxwell urges us to remember that “we aren’t perfect and maybe we don’t have the best ideas, but we should cherish and protect the creative people on our teams and their ideas, even if that means your idea gets refined, or even replaced, by someone else’s” (Maxwell, 2006).

Now imagine that you spent the last month brainstorming, developing and preparing a proposal presentation for an important stakeholder. Two weeks before this meeting, you and a colleague separately present your ideas to the rest of the team. After hearing your colleague’s proposal, you can see how some of their ideas are better than your own. As a peer leader, you decide to collaborate with your colleague to develop the best proposal, sharing the praise and credit, instead of pushing forward with your own and taking the praise for yourself.

The mindset where you actively solicit, value, and integrate input from your peers fosters an environment of psychological safety and shared ownership. When your peers feel their voices are heard and their contributions genuinely valued, they become more invested in the outcome and more willing to follow where the collective best interest leads. It’s a mindset where we can build something better together than we can on our own.

3. Create a Shared Destination

Even without a formal title, you have the ability to provide direction by helping your team visualize the shared destination. Leading your peers is often about providing the context and rationale that connect your daily tasks to the broader organizational mission, such as Clemson Elevate. When a team understands the bigger picture behind their daily work, they move with greater purpose and alignment. As Doug Thorpe describes, “Leading your peers is about becoming a reliable source of insight, solutions, and clarity allowing others to understand the bigger picture, positioning yourself as the beacon who connects daily work to the ultimate organizational mission” (Thorpe, 2025).

Imagine you have a co-worker who is frustrated with your department’s new tracking system and is struggling to see the value in moving away from the old system. As a peer leader, you don’t just focus on the technical execution; instead, you help your co-worker see the purpose behind the change. You take the time to explain how the change supports the strategic plan of the University and how their specific role is vital to that success. By serving as a beacon of clarity, you help your colleagues find meaning in the mission. When everyone can see the ultimate destination, they are more motivated and more likely to respect the informal guidance that helps the team reach its goals.

Unleashing Our Collective Potential

Peer leadership isn’t just a theory; it’s something you can put into practice today. By focusing on trust, finding the best solutions, and creating a shared destination, we unlock a dynamic that elevates ourselves, our departments, and Clemson University to new heights.

Sources

• Maxwell, J. C. (2006). The 360 degree leader: Developing your influence from anywhere in the organization. Thomas Nelson.
• Thorpe, D. (2025, August 12). Leading without authority: The art of influence in modern organizations. Doug Thorpe. https://dougthorpe.com/leading-without-authority-the-art-of-influence-in-modern-organizations/

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What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Michael Scott

Phone:  864-656-6353

Email:  mesctt@clemson.edu Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

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Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds Office:

Don’t Tough It Out:  Difficult Situations at Work

January 21, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

Virtually only, sign up here:

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/enroll

Emotional Intelligence at Work

February 2, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/enroll

Teamwork that Works

February 26, 2026, from 12:00 to 1:00

Virtually only, sign up here:

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/f60659b8/enroll

Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience

March 6, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here:

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/enroll

Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces

April 10, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

In person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/enroll

It has been a long few weeks.  There is a lot going on globally, nationally, locally, and across Clemson.  Our departmentThe holidays are here!  Many of us will spend some time with friends and family members from all over the world and potentially all over the political and social spectrum.  If there is one thing I have observed during these politicized times, it is that I cannot always predict how someone will vote or what they will care about based on my previous interactions with them.  During these holidays, I’m going to be around people who disagree with me—even about some of the big things. 

How do we handle this?  I’ve written before about staying in the room with difference and the AND stance, which can help us accept that we do not have to agree in order to be productive colleagues and loving family members.  But as we go into some family time, let’s look at another strategy:  Setting the parameters of a conversation. 

In some families, politics and social issues are on the menu for the holidays.  In others, they are not invited at all.  Setting the boundary of no political talk is healthy and reasonable.  But what if you want to dive into political conversations?  What if you and your family members like to dissect the previous year’s political machinations and share opinions about what has happened?  Or what if you want to have some of these conversations, just within reason? 

Enter parameters.  Parameters are the guardrails you put on the conversation.  You might be willing to discuss your political views about a certain issue, but not who you voted for or what you think of certain leaders.  Maybe you define the objectives of the conversation.  Instead of trying to convince each other of your own political opinions, you agree that your objectives are to understand where each other has landed and why.  Parameters can also address the time and place.  Maybe you are willing to talk about these things, but only for an hour.  Or only while cooking, not while sitting down for a holiday meal.  Parameters are essentially boundaries that you put around a conversation that could become tense, adversarial, or emotional. 

My big brother and I have some major disagreements about big things.  He recently asked me to have a conversation with him.  I told him I would only be comfortable with a conversation if our objective is to understand each other’s differing perspectives, not to try to convince each other of anything.  He did not agree.  He struggles with the fact that we disagree on this issue, and he wants to make a case again about why I should abandon my “side” and join his.  I gently let him know I can’t wait to hang out with him for Christmas, but I’m not willing to talk to him about this issue until he relinquishes the desire to change my mind.  (I doubt we will ever talk about this issue.) 

Maybe you are like my brother in that story.  You want to bring up politics, and you know if your loved one would listen, they would see the light and amend their ways.  Maybe you are like me.  You are willing to talk, but you have accepted that you will continue to disagree.  Maybe you want to stay as far away from these conversations as I want to stay away from the holiday abomination my husband makes us purchase—eggnog! 

No matter where you fall, decide what parameters you are comfortable with.  Decide what you are willing to discuss and share, and what you want to protect or avoid.  You cannot force someone to sign on to your parameters, but they cannot force you to talk about something outside of the parameters you are comfortable with.  Setting parameters for a conversation is like going over the rules of a board game.  If you can’t agree on the rules, then don’t play the game.  The holidays can be hurried, overwhelming, financially demanding, and emotional.  They also can be restful, fun, and recharging.  Don’t let conversations you have not signed up for derail the good stuff. 

Happy holidays from your friends in the Ombuds Office!  We wish you relaxation and peace throughout this time. s it might not be possible for you.  

Box #1: 

What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Tessa Byer

Phone:  864-656-5353

Email:  tbyer@clemson.edu

Address: 135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

Box #2:

Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds:

Don’t Tough It Out:  Difficult Situations at Work

January 21, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

Virtually only, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/enroll

Emotional Intelligence at Work

February 2, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00

In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/enroll

Teamwork that Works

February 26, 2026, from 12:00 to 1:00

Virtually only, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/f60659b8/enroll

Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience

March 6, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/enroll

Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces

April 10, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00

In person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/enroll

It has been a long few weeks.  There is a lot going on globally, nationally, locally, and across Clemson.  Our departments are dealing with financial changes, increasing workloads, and new systems to learn.  Our people are encountering more that threatens to divide us, and I fear some of it is.  My phone recently suggested to me an article with a title like, “Civility is Dead.”  I chose not to read it (partly because who has time to read right now?), but the title stuck with me because I wholeheartedly disagree. 

The halls of a university are the place where disagreement is not only possible; it is encouraged.  When students are taught critical thinking, the implication is that they make up their own minds about the bigger questions of the day; they don’t just accept what professors or other students or scholars of the past have concluded.  And when their conclusions differ from other’s conclusions, that disagreement is not ignored or catastrophized.  Disagreement is just another participant in the classroom and in the research lab, a fixture that is always allowed but not allowed to take over. 

Civility, then, is being able to keep working together and collaborating even when disagreement is present and when the topic is difficult and personal.  You can hate a colleague’s take on current events and still greet them in the morning, ask about their sick dog, and work with them to complete a project.  Civility is saying, “I’m not going to relinquish my beliefs, and I’m not expecting you to relinquish yours.  But I’m going to see you as human first.” 

I was recently working with some undergraduate students as they processed recent events.  In this group, they had different takes.  They had different heroes and villains in the narratives they told.  They disagreed about a lot.  And they listened.  They pointed out where they agreed with each other.  They acknowledged that they did not know everything and while they felt strongly, they made space for each other to argue the other side.  They were civil, respectful, sometimes kind.  It was an emotional meeting, and it was a productive one. 

So amidst all this division, how do we stay civil? It is not easy, but it is simple:

• Listen to each other.
• Acknowledge what you hear others say.
• Highlight your common ground and where you agree.
• Separate someone’s worth from their opinions.
• Do not flee or shut down at the first sign of disagreement.
• Commit to creating an environment where membership on the team does not depend on people’s opinions or voting records.
• It’s okay to be disappointed in someone’s stance; you can still be their friend, family member, and colleague.

Civility is hard.  Sometimes it might not be possible for you.  But it is not dead.  In fact, we are the ones who have to keep it alive.

Box #1: 

What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Tessa Byer

Phone:  864-656-5353

Email:  tbyer@clemson.edu

Address: 135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

Box #2:

Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds:

Cultivating Resilience

November 3, 2025, from 9-11 a.m.

Location: University Facilities Center

Training Registration

Emotional Intelligence at Work

November 14, 2025, from 9-11 a.m.

Location: Virtually only

Training Registration