Tag: Ombuds

“Take it slow, and things will be just fine, you and I’ll just use a little patience”. -GnR

It’s astonishing how quickly the academic year flies by! Spring break is nearly upon us, and the 2024-2025 school year is rapidly approaching its conclusion. I began my tenure in the Ombuds Office at the start of this year and recently completed my probationary period and review. During this time, I’ve been eager to develop my skills as an Ombuds, dedicated to supporting everyone at the University. Like many, I entered this role with ambitious goals. I aspired to provide the same level of service and support as more experienced Ombuds. However, I soon realized that training and experience, both crucial components, cannot be acquired overnight. Initially, I experienced frustration when I had to defer to the expertise of others. I spent countless hours contemplating how to expedite my training to provide the full range of services our office offers. I even lost sleep reflecting on the counseling, mediation, and group discussion sessions I attended, searching for a ‘quick fix’ to gain substantial experience. The truth, as I’ve learned, is that there is no shortcut.

In our constant pursuit of self-improvement and goal achievement, it’s vital to remember the wisdom of St. Francis de Sales, who, in his book, An Introduction to the Devout Life, advises, “Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.” Cultivating patience is a gradual journey, requiring the development of specific skills and mindsets. How, then, can we slow down in our fast-paced world, allowing ourselves time to savor life, reflect, and grow?

Here are several strategies to aid you on your path:

1. Cultivate Mindfulness:
   • As I discussed with the Staff Senate in December, learning to “press pause” is essential. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. This practice diminishes the tendency to dwell on the past or worry about the future, both of which fuel impatience. Becoming aware of the physical and emotional sensations that arise when impatience surfaces, and observing these feelings without reacting, can lessen their power (eMindful).
2. Shift Your Perspective:
   • View delays and obstacles as opportunities for reflection and learning. When faced with a frustrating situation and feelings of impatience, consider the root cause of your discomfort (BetterUp). Acknowledge that certain situations are beyond your control. Focus your energy on what you can influence and release the rest.
3. Focus on Emotional Intelligence:
   • Stress and anxiety can amplify impatience. Techniques such as exercise, relaxation, and adequate sleep can help regulate these emotions (Calm.com). Practice self-compassion when impatience arises, recognizing it as a common human experience.
4. Build Tolerance for Discomfort:
   • Practice patience through small, everyday opportunities. Patience is a skill, developed over time. Begin by embracing minor annoyances, such as traffic delays or waiting in line at the grocery store. Practice resisting the urge for immediate gratification to strengthen your ability to wait and persevere (Goodwall).
5. Enhance Interpersonal Skills:
   • Practice active listening, truly hearing others without interrupting or formulating your response. As we emphasize in our Conflict Management training, strive to understand perspectives from a shared foundation rather than imposing your own. Allow others ample time to express themselves without judgment or assumptions, focusing on their intended message. Pay attention to your body language and learn to manage your emotional responses.

By consistently implementing these strategies, we can gradually cultivate greater patience and enhance our overall well-being. Taking the time to appreciate life, live in the present, and extend grace to ourselves allows us the space and energy to achieve our goals. Let’s all embrace a little patience as we enjoy spring break and finish the school year with vigor!

Citations:

• BetterUp. (n.d.). How to be more patient: 8 tips to try. Retrieved from https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-be-more-patient
• Calm.com. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.calm.com/
• eMindful. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://emindful.com/
• Goodwall. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.goodwall.io/
• St. Francis de Sales. (n.d.). An introduction to the devout life.

What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation. I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson. If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.

Michael Scott

Phone:  864-656-6353

Email:  mesctt@clemson.edu

Address:  135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

*Save the date for upcoming training offered by the Ombuds:*

Cultivating Resilience

March 27, 2025 from 9:00 to 11:00

Virtually only, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/5e898aea/sessions/5440/enroll

Introduction to Mediation

April 16, 2025 from 9:00 to 12:00

In person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/648ef8d6/enroll

Giving Effective Feedback

June 20, 2025 from 9:00 to 10:30

Virtually only, sign up here: 

https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/3bc50439/sessions/5493/enroll

At times, things are difficult at work, and there’s nothing we can do about it.  We might have a colleague we have asked to include us in meetings, and still they ignore and exclude us.  We might have a supervisor we have brought concerns to, and they don’t do anything in response.  Maybe we just have a job that is boring or isn’t exactly what we want to be doing, but this is the job we have.  There is so much at work that is stressful that is out of our control.  But what about what is in our control?

I mentioned in a recent Staff Senate meeting that I am taking a class in the Industrial and Organizational Psychology program, and this semester, I am in Survey to Occupational Health with Dr. Robert Sinclair.  Learning about the different theories and strategies for occupational health has been incredibly relevant and helpful in the work that I do.  In class, we have been talking a lot lately about the different models of work stress.  One of these models, created by A. B. Bakker and E. Demerouti (2007), is called the Job-Demands-Resources model, or JDR.  JDR says that our collective job demands create stress and strain, which can eventually lead to physical and mental health problems and negative outcomes for the organization.  For example, if we have to lift heavy things daily, we might experience muscle strain that could eventually become an injury.  On the mental health side, if we feel demeaned and bullied by a supervisor, we might experience daily shame, fear, and anger, which can lead to increased depression and anxiety.  Either of these could lead to turnover, absenteeism, and a less well workforce. 

At the same time, the JDR model says that our collective job resources motivate us, which can lead to positive organizational outcomes, such as productivity, profitability, and employee engagement.  Job resources include autonomy, feedback, support, and even tangibles such as adequate annual leave.  When we have sufficient resources, we feel more motivated to do the work we need to do, and the organization benefits.  These two, interconnected processes are detailed below. 

Many of our job demands and job resources are just parts of the gig.  We can bring up our concerns, and we can (and should) advocate for ourselves.  However, even if change occurs, it will come slowly.  In the meantime, the idea of job crafting lets us take action now by enhancing our job resources on our own.  Job crafting essentially says if we cannot get what we need from our jobs, can we find that resource elsewhere?  If we are not getting the support we need from our supervisor, maybe we can find a mentoring relationship elsewhere and seek support outside of the formal hierarchy.  If we do not have the autonomy we want, maybe we can take on a separate project or join a staff development program like CU Grow that allows us to direct some of our own work.  Job crafting begins by taking stock of what we have and what we don’t have and then brainstorming ways to get what we need.  Here are some ideas:

• Apply for a development program like CU Grow, Extension Emerging Leadership Institute, or CCIT’s Leadership Development Program.
• Run for Staff Senate, or if you already have, run for a leadership position.
• Find external trainings that could enhance your skills and knowledge.
• Find colleagues and mentors who are willing to share feedback with you.
• Connect with colleagues on a personal level.  Maybe go to lunch or after-hours events.
• Look for gaps in what your department does, and present a plan for how you could take on responsibilities to fill that gap.
• Volunteer to do something you haven’t done before, such as present in front of the whole division or author a report.

At some point, you might decide that the job you have is ultimately not the job you want.  But changing jobs is also not simple or quick.  While you have the job you have, take some time to craft it into what you want it to be.  In addition to strengthening your skills and engagement, job crafting increases your job satisfaction and overall happiness.  Craft away!

Bakker, A.B. and Demerouti, E. (2007), “The Job Demands‐Resources model: state of the art”, Journal of Managerial Psychology, Vol. 22 No. 3, pp. 309-328. https://doi.org/10.1108/02683940710733115

We’re all quick to remember our mistakes, losses, and miscommunications.  I want to remind us to stop and celebrate our wins.  I’m covering this topic for two reasons.  First, I recently did a training about resilience, and at the end I asked participants what they were taking away from the training.  Multiple people mentioned this concept of celebrating wins and how they needed the reminder to reflect not only on their shortcomings but also on their daily wins.  Second, I rewatched the Disney movie Soul with my son.  Soul came out during the pandemic, and when I first saw it, I was less impressed by it than I was by its creative and plot-heavy cousin Onward, also released during the pandemic.  This second time, though, I think I better understood its point:  While life can be full of huge ups and downs, dreams dashed and dreams realized, in between life is full of small, beautiful moments that we might miss if we are not careful. 

To me, these are related.  I would hope that anyone celebrates big accomplishments like a promotion, a raise, a graduation, and acceptance into a new program.  But what about these?  You finish a difficult conversation with your supervisor, and you share with them everything you intended to.  Or you set boundaries with a friend and then stick to those boundaries, even when they push back.  Or you hear the same passive-aggressive comment from a colleague, and this time you keep your cool.  These are all wins that might get unnoticed, especially if you are instead focusing on what you forgot to say in those conversations or what you wish you hadn’t said.  Celebrating wins does not mean you deny your mistakes.  It means that while you acknowledge the times you messed up, you acknowledge the times when you got it right. 

I will admit, celebrating everyday wins does not come naturally to me.  I was really struggling with a colleague recently; every interaction we had filled me with self-doubt and stayed in my mind as I tried to fall asleep at night.  Then we had an unpleasant interaction, and for that day, I was able to let it go.  When I told my husband about the interaction and how I didn’t really care, he congratulated me and (sort of) forced me to stop and reflect on what a big deal that was.  I can’t control what this colleague thinks of me or how they respond to me, but I can control how much I let it consume my time and energy. 

Here are a few ideas for celebrating everyday wins:

• Journal at the end of each day or each week to document the wins
• Make a plan with a friend or colleague to check in on each other’s wins
• Create a celebration jar where you document wins as they happen
• Commemorate wins on a calendar, so you can go back and look at your progress
• Treat yourself regularly

We are quick to hold on to our loses.  Let’s start to hold on to the wins. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are ready for the much-deserved rest and relaxation of the Holiday Season.  As we move toward the break and the time for reconnecting with the people we care about, (whether in person, over the phone, or video call) we may encounter some relationships that need mending.  In the past few years did you have an argument with a co-worker, a disagreement with a family member, or have you lost a friend for any number of reasons?  Perhaps you feel it is time to reconcile these relationships, but you are not sure how.  I hope to share a few thoughts with you that might just help.

Just as with any difficult conversation, preparation is the key!  You should prepare yourself and allow the other participant time to prepare themselves for the conversation.  Preparation will allow you both the space to discover not only what you value in your relationship but examine what exactly about the conflict caused the harm to your relationship.  Making that call, or sending that text might be hard, but the first step to reconciling a conflict is both parties agreeing that the conversation is worth the time and effort. 

Once you have the initial conversation, find a neutral place to talk where you will both feel comfortable expressing your feelings in a safe environment (Judgement-Free Zone!).  Allow the time to talk and to feel without distractions.  The annual Holiday Party is probably not a great choice! 

Now you are ready to meet! When you finally have the opportunity to talk, set the ground rules.  “We will each have time to speak, without argument or interruption; we will listen to what one another has to say; we will allow one another the freedom to be vulnerable, we will go into this with an open mind only to listen to one another, no expectations!”

When you finally meet, remind one another of your rules then just listen and share.  Acknowledge that what you have both been through has been tough enough to create this conflict.  Honor and respect the fact that opening up to be honest and vulnerable is also hard, acknowledge this fact for one another.  If you feel so inclined to provide an apology for your part of the conflict, do so but do not expect one in return…this should come naturally, if at all.  Sometimes simply honoring one another’s dignity is as beneficial as an apology. 

Finally, establish a time to speak again.  You should be able to see that this relationship is valuable to both of you so don’t neglect it!  Share some fruitcake and eggnog this holiday season.  Find time to rest and reconcile and come back to Clemson ready for 2025!

Most of you know I’ve been away for the past few months. My family has had the honor of adopting a precious baby boy, Urijah Timothy.  After bringing him home from California, he and I have had some precious one-on-one time as we have welcomed him into our family unit and transitioned to a life with three children.

By the time this newsletter is released, I will be back at work.  If anyone has ever been on extended leave, especially parental leave, you know how difficult the prospect of returning to work can be. I’m definitely feeling that.

But I’m also able to step back and see how this change in my family has given me some needed perspective in the face of difficult situations I see in my work.  For example, one of the problems I was facing before I left on leave was the fact that a colleague no longer wants me to attend meetings that I have always attended.  That is disappointing.  However, now that I have even more to do at home, I can reframe the situation from a personal snub to a relief that I am excused from yet another meeting.  While this colleague may not like me or want my help, I have three little ones at home who do like me and who need me—sometimes a little too much.  I can let this one go.

Another area I have been able to get perspective on is upward feedback.  The Ombuds Office provides this upward feedback to leaders across the institution with the goal of moving the needle on making Clemson a better, fairer place.  Upward feedback can be difficult when the leader I am addressing does not want to hear what I have to say.  At the same time, even when I think a conversation was a failure, I can’t always know how what I say is absorbed.  We’ve talked to my older kids, Zeke and Havi, about Urijah’s adoption, and they were able to be with us in California when we went to bring Urijah home.  I recently heard Havi, who is three, explain adoption to her friend, and while it never seems like she is listening to me, it was remarkable how much she absorbed. At work, I recently had the experience where an in-person feedback conversation went poorly, but I found out later that my recommendations were followed.  If we are moving toward a better Clemson for faculty, staff, and students, I can live with the fact that I won’t get the credit for providing that feedback.  Instead, I will focus on helping the person in front of me however I can and trust that that is enough.

Another important lesson of these past few months refers to the “and” stance, which I have written about a lot in this newsletter.  The and stance says that we don’t have to choose between things; multiple things can be true at the same time and multiple perspectives can be valid at the same time.  This has never been more apparent to me than in navigating the relationship between Urijah’s birth family and our family.  Urijah’s mom is his mom AND I am his mom. Urijah’s birth family loves him AND his new family loves him.  We don’t have to choose which one of us is his “real’ mom or which family truly loves him. Urijah is surrounded by love and care. The and stance can be so helpful amid complex situations because we usually go into them trying to figure out who wins or who gets to claim something that the other must then relinquish. It just doesn’t have to be like that.  And as these past few months have made abundantly clear to me, there is so much else to focus on!  I’m happy to be back and excited to learn what I missed.  Don’t hesitate to schedule coffee or lunch with me or to reach out if I can be helpful in your situation.

In August 2023, I wrote in the newsletter about what to do when you don’t like someone in your life.  I think that is an important conversation because people come to me all the time seemingly conflicted over how to “force” themselves to like someone when they just don’t.  It’s okay not to like someone.  You can still treat them with respect and courtesy and can move forward doing what is important to you.  Some of the comments I received after that newsletter asked me about the reverse:  what to do when someone doesn’t like you.

I recently was uninvited to a series of meetings that I had attended without incident for some time.  After my initial surprise and even indignation, I stepped back to evaluate.  Had I done something wrong?  Did I overstep my role?  Did I unintentionally harm those around me?  Not that I knew of.  I asked for feedback and more information about why I was no longer welcome at these meetings; that conversation didn’t give me any additional information.  My next thought is what if these individuals just don’t like me?

With all the people in the world and even all the people here at Clemson, it makes sense that this is going to be the result every once in a while, right?  We can’t possible please and win over every faculty, staff, student, and administrator here.  So why was this personal slight impacting me so much?  Here are a few tips to help you process when someone doesn’t seem to like you.

1. This might not have as much to do with you as you think.  My initial reaction to not being invited to the ongoing meeting anymore was that they specifically didn’t want me there.  While that might be part of it, I doubt I am on this person’s mind so much as to require them to take drastic action only for me.
2. It’s okay to feel hurt, offended, and disappointed.  I struggled to process my hurt when this first happened, and I realized I was avoiding it.  Hurt is not something I am used to feeling at work, but that is very much what was going on.  Acknowledging these feelings to ourselves makes it easier to move forward.
3. You can still do what you need and want to do even when someone doesn’t like you.  When this first happened, I felt like it was closing the door for me in a lot of ways at work.  But when I stepped back and got some perspective, I realized that there was so much else to focus on and other work to be done.
4. You can still have a productive working relationship with someone who doesn’t like you.  You can resolve to treat them well and to keep your focus on the work, and I think you would be surprised by how willing someone is have a working relationship when neither of you are trying to force something that is not there.
5. When I say these people don’t like me, I am making assumptions here.  I assume because I have no other information, that these individuals don’t like me.  I’ve asked and not received any further information.  But if they were to come to me for assistance or wanted to work with me in another area or wanted to go out to lunch, I may have to reassess my assumption.  In other words, I have to remember that I am just making an assumption.  At this point, I don’t have all the facts. 

The bottom line is that when someone doesn’t like you, it can be really hard.  But it doesn’t have to be the end.  It doesn’t have to dictate your mood or your motivation or your next steps.  It can be a disappointing development that you are not going to let stand in your way of doing important work and adhering to your values of kindness and respect. 

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As the semester comes to an end, I think it is an important time to talk about time management. The spring semester in particular is one of the busiest times for me. You have spring break, ring ceremony, classes, and graduation ceremonies, and extracurricular activities that could engulf your time like March madness, softball, and baseball. For me in particular, I found myself in a place where I feel like everything is coming around so fast. I remember writing my first column for this newsletter, and now I’m finishing out and I must say this semester and this internship has been great. I say all this because I am in a place where I feel like all my assignments and deadlines are approaching faster than I anticipated. In school, work and in our daily lives, we may encounter people who seem to have it all together. They are productive, stress-free, high achievers, but chances are they were not born that way. Managing, organizing, and distributing time are skills that we can learn. Doing so can help with controlling your time and promoting overall satisfaction. With this being said the topic for this month’s newsletter is time management.           

         Time management is the process of consciously planning and controlling time spent on specific tasks to increase how efficient you are. I am sure everyone is familiar with setting deadlines, writing to do lists, and giving yourself small rewards for accomplishing certain activities. Motivating ourselves is a core part of time management, and it takes intentionality to cultivate good habits to work and live efficiently. Figuring out a process that works for you, whatever that may be, is key to creating an efficient life. When I feel like deadlines are approaching fast, I write down all the due dates for assignments and projects that I have, and it helps calm me down. When I have a lot on my plate like anyone else I get stressed out, and it sends me into immediate panic. So what I am about to give below are some examples to use in your everyday lives and in the workplace to better your time management skills.

One time management skill is conducting a time audit. This strategy starts by assessing where you actually spend your time. A time audit includes creating a visual map of the approximate time you spend on work, school, housework, chores, commuting to and from work, social media usage, and leisure activities. By doing this you can actually see how much time you spend on these activities and then make changes to help prioritize your work and still give you the free time to have time to do the things that you enjoy. The second method is to employ methods to chunk your time. This is also called the pomodoro method. This method was developed in the late 1980s by Francesco Cirillo, a university student who was overwhelmed by studying and assignments. This method requires using a timer to break down your work into a 25-minute interval, separated by 5 minutes of break time. After you complete 4 of these pomodoros, you can start taking longer 15-30 minute breaks. The word pomodoro is Italian for tomato, which promotes concentration and relieves mental fatigue. This strategy can be useful for open-ended work like conducting research, studying for an exam, or finishing a consulting project.

Finally, focusing on one thing at a time is essential for time management. Multitasking is generally less efficient than focusing on one task at a time. In fact, I found a study that suggested that only 2.5 percent of people are able to effectively multitask. Doing too many things at once can impact your cognitive ability, making you feel unproductive or dissatisfied with your progress. Arranging your time so that you complete one task before starting another can boost your confidence. The last thing I want to offer is some benefits of having time management skills. Some benefits consist of reducing stress, increasing energy, achieving goals more effectively, prioritizing what’s important, reducing procrastination, boosting confidence and getting further in your career and education. These are just a few reasons why managing your time is important. I will be taking some of these skills with me as I move forward to the end of the semester.  Have a good spring!

What is the Ombuds Office?

The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation.  I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson.  If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.
Contact:
Tessa Byer, 864.656.5353 or tbyer@clemson.edu
135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)

Upcoming Trainings

Emotional Intelligence at Work, 20 September

Sept. 20, 2024 from 9:00 to 12:00 Virtually only, sign up here:  https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/enroll

Cultivating Resilience, 25 October

Oct. 25, 2024 from 9:00 to 11:00 at the University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/5e898aea/enroll

When I was growing up, I was naturally placed in the roles of mediator and ombuds within my family. If my parents were fighting, if my siblings were fighting, if my parents were fighting with my siblings, I would be the one to listen to all involved and help resolve it. I was in my twenties when I realized I could turn this into a career. Being a person others trust with their difficult situations and conflicts is an honor, and I wouldn’t change the career I ended up with. It can also be a burden.

Are you ever placed in the middle of other people’s conflicts? Maybe it’s two of your colleagues, your supervisor and their supervisor, your children, or your mom and your partner. When that happens, the first question to ask is, “Do I need to be in the middle of these people?”

If mediating between people is part of your role and responsibility and makes sense for you, let me know if you want to learn more about mediation and some of the skills to make that go smoother. But often, we are put in the middle of other people’s conflict because of our position, our personality, our sympathetic ear, or the fact that we mediated for them last time, and it is healthier for us to draw a boundary and remove ourselves. Drawing this boundary is difficult but important for your own mental health and the longevity of the relationships.

I recently worked with someone who reports to two people. These two supervisors are from different departments, and have different priorities, goals, and skillsets. The employee, Fred, was caught in the middle of two different and sometimes contradictory sets of instructions, and being new to the university, he did not know how to respond. My advice to him was to bring everyone together and put the responsibility back on them. For example, he could schedule a meeting with both of them and say, “Jane asked me to do abc, and June asked me to do xyz. Can we all figure out together how I need to proceed?” After this conversation, the burden of figuring out what he was supposed to do was back on them, and the situation might have highlighted the unsustainability of the dual supervisor arrangement.

I love to mediate conflicts, but I also recognize that it is not on me to resolve everything for everyone in every aspect of my life. What about you? Are there areas where you are in the middle? Maybe it’s time to say, “I’m willing to support both of you as this resolves, but I am not willing to be in the middle anymore.”

I do this kind of thing with my kids all the time. If they are fighting over a toy, instead of demanding that one of them give the other a turn, I will summarize: “Zeke is playing with a toy that belongs to Havi, and now Havi wants it back. How can we resolve this?” I’m surprised how willing they are to work together and come up with a solution that I might not have imagined. Instead of taking turns with Lego Spider-Nan, for example, they took his arm off, and one played with his arm while the other played with the rest of him. That is not what I would have suggested, but it worked for them! And the burden of resolving things for them was lifted off my shoulders.

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