Clemson University Staff Senate

We’re all quick to remember our mistakes, losses, and miscommunications.  I want to remind us to stop and celebrate our wins.  I’m covering this topic for two reasons.  First, I recently did a training about resilience, and at the end I asked participants what they were taking away from the training.  Multiple people mentioned this concept of celebrating wins and how they needed the reminder to reflect not only on their shortcomings but also on their daily wins.  Second, I rewatched the Disney movie Soul with my son.  Soul came out during the pandemic, and when I first saw it, I was less impressed by it than I was by its creative and plot-heavy cousin Onward, also released during the pandemic.  This second time, though, I think I better understood its point:  While life can be full of huge ups and downs, dreams dashed and dreams realized, in between life is full of small, beautiful moments that we might miss if we are not careful. 

To me, these are related.  I would hope that anyone celebrates big accomplishments like a promotion, a raise, a graduation, and acceptance into a new program.  But what about these?  You finish a difficult conversation with your supervisor, and you share with them everything you intended to.  Or you set boundaries with a friend and then stick to those boundaries, even when they push back.  Or you hear the same passive-aggressive comment from a colleague, and this time you keep your cool.  These are all wins that might get unnoticed, especially if you are instead focusing on what you forgot to say in those conversations or what you wish you hadn’t said.  Celebrating wins does not mean you deny your mistakes.  It means that while you acknowledge the times you messed up, you acknowledge the times when you got it right. 

I will admit, celebrating everyday wins does not come naturally to me.  I was really struggling with a colleague recently; every interaction we had filled me with self-doubt and stayed in my mind as I tried to fall asleep at night.  Then we had an unpleasant interaction, and for that day, I was able to let it go.  When I told my husband about the interaction and how I didn’t really care, he congratulated me and (sort of) forced me to stop and reflect on what a big deal that was.  I can’t control what this colleague thinks of me or how they respond to me, but I can control how much I let it consume my time and energy. 

Here are a few ideas for celebrating everyday wins:

• Journal at the end of each day or each week to document the wins
• Make a plan with a friend or colleague to check in on each other’s wins
• Create a celebration jar where you document wins as they happen
• Commemorate wins on a calendar, so you can go back and look at your progress
• Treat yourself regularly

We are quick to hold on to our loses.  Let’s start to hold on to the wins. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are ready for the much-deserved rest and relaxation of the Holiday Season.  As we move toward the break and the time for reconnecting with the people we care about, (whether in person, over the phone, or video call) we may encounter some relationships that need mending.  In the past few years did you have an argument with a co-worker, a disagreement with a family member, or have you lost a friend for any number of reasons?  Perhaps you feel it is time to reconcile these relationships, but you are not sure how.  I hope to share a few thoughts with you that might just help.

Just as with any difficult conversation, preparation is the key!  You should prepare yourself and allow the other participant time to prepare themselves for the conversation.  Preparation will allow you both the space to discover not only what you value in your relationship but examine what exactly about the conflict caused the harm to your relationship.  Making that call, or sending that text might be hard, but the first step to reconciling a conflict is both parties agreeing that the conversation is worth the time and effort. 

Once you have the initial conversation, find a neutral place to talk where you will both feel comfortable expressing your feelings in a safe environment (Judgement-Free Zone!).  Allow the time to talk and to feel without distractions.  The annual Holiday Party is probably not a great choice! 

Now you are ready to meet! When you finally have the opportunity to talk, set the ground rules.  “We will each have time to speak, without argument or interruption; we will listen to what one another has to say; we will allow one another the freedom to be vulnerable, we will go into this with an open mind only to listen to one another, no expectations!”

When you finally meet, remind one another of your rules then just listen and share.  Acknowledge that what you have both been through has been tough enough to create this conflict.  Honor and respect the fact that opening up to be honest and vulnerable is also hard, acknowledge this fact for one another.  If you feel so inclined to provide an apology for your part of the conflict, do so but do not expect one in return…this should come naturally, if at all.  Sometimes simply honoring one another’s dignity is as beneficial as an apology. 

Finally, establish a time to speak again.  You should be able to see that this relationship is valuable to both of you so don’t neglect it!  Share some fruitcake and eggnog this holiday season.  Find time to rest and reconcile and come back to Clemson ready for 2025!