Vulnerability is a popular concept. We praise when someone shares their personal struggles; we crave leaders to show us they are “real people.” We appreciate and trust people who are willing to admit they make mistakes and do not have it all together. At the same time, vulnerability carries real risks. What are the consequences of sharing so much? What will people think, say, and do after your show of vulnerability? The answers to these questions vary based on who we are and the environment we are in. As much as I believe in vulnerability, it is not so simple to encourage everyone to be vulnerable about everything at all times.
This concept came to me when someone—we’ll call her Susie—recently expressed frustration about her colleague—Johnny. Susie told Johnny about a tough situation she encountered with her parents, and she felt like he was empathetic and helpful. However, after working together for a few months, Susie was growing frustrated that she did not know anything about Johnny’s life. She would ask about his wife and kids, and he remained very generic. She wanted him to open up to her like she had to him, and he wasn’t budging.
On the other side of that situation, Johnny understood what Susie wanted from him, but it was not something he was willing to give (way to go setting boundaries, Johnny!). He was a private person, but even beyond that, he felt like working together for a few months did not earn Susie his entire life story and struggles. He felt like she needed to earn his vulnerability and had not done that yet.
This conundrum highlights some stylistic differences. Some people are going to be naturally vulnerable with anyone. When my grandmother was near the end of her life, my mom would process it with friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and even the person checking her out at Publix. Others only share with their core group of people. The challenge is when the Susies and Johnnys put expectations on each other that they do not agree to meet (see the August newsletter about separating hopes and expectations!).
Creating a space where vulnerability does not feel threatening requires psychological safety. In a psychologically safe environment, you can admit mistakes, failures, and challenges. You can question each other, suggest alternate solutions, and express doubts. You can admit what you are going through and what you struggle with, and you do not have to fear the other person’s reaction to all of that. We can foster psychological safety by responding productively to other’s admissions, by not getting defensive, and by being willing to admit that we do not have it all figured out. But even when we feel psychologically safe, that doesn’t ensure others will.
In some relationships, we have to earn someone else’s vulnerability. Maybe after a few years of cooperation and friendship, Johnny will begin to share with Susie. In other relationships, we’ll never get the vulnerability we crave. We can choose our own level of vulnerability, but we can only do so much to invite others to open up. They get to accept or decline that invitation.
Next month, I will cover a situation where we need to be vulnerable whether we feel psychologically safe or not. In the meantime, weigh the benefits and consequences of being vulnerable, brainstorm some ways to strengthen psychological safety in your area, and move on if you are not met with the same vulnerability you want to offer. ns? Have you been putting your hopes onto people who do not even know what it is you want to happen? When we are clear about what we expect, we are more equipped to respond to unmet expectations. When we separate our hopes, we are not putting something unreasonable onto someone else that they never agreed to achieve. (But side note—there’s no way my kids won’t want to be my friend, right?) Enjoy the last days of summer!
What is the Ombuds Office?
The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation. I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson. If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.
Tessa Byer
Phone: 864-656-5353
Email: tbyer@clemson.edu
Address: 135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)
Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds Office:
Don’t Tough It Out: Difficult Situations at Work
Friday, Sept. 11, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00
In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/sessions/7126/enroll
Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces
Friday, Sept. 25, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:30
Virtually only, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/sessions/7128/enroll
Giving Effective Feedback
Wed., Oct. 14 from 9:00 to 10:30
Virtually only, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/3bc50439/sessions/7129/enroll
Emotional Intelligence at Work
Friday, Oct. 30, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00
In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/sessions/7130/enroll
Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience
Friday, Nov. 6, from 9:00 to 11:00
Virtually only, sign up here: https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/sessions/7132/enroll
