It has been a long few weeks. There is a lot going on globally, nationally, locally, and across Clemson. Our departmentThe holidays are here! Many of us will spend some time with friends and family members from all over the world and potentially all over the political and social spectrum. If there is one thing I have observed during these politicized times, it is that I cannot always predict how someone will vote or what they will care about based on my previous interactions with them. During these holidays, I’m going to be around people who disagree with me—even about some of the big things.
How do we handle this? I’ve written before about staying in the room with difference and the AND stance, which can help us accept that we do not have to agree in order to be productive colleagues and loving family members. But as we go into some family time, let’s look at another strategy: Setting the parameters of a conversation.
In some families, politics and social issues are on the menu for the holidays. In others, they are not invited at all. Setting the boundary of no political talk is healthy and reasonable. But what if you want to dive into political conversations? What if you and your family members like to dissect the previous year’s political machinations and share opinions about what has happened? Or what if you want to have some of these conversations, just within reason?
Enter parameters. Parameters are the guardrails you put on the conversation. You might be willing to discuss your political views about a certain issue, but not who you voted for or what you think of certain leaders. Maybe you define the objectives of the conversation. Instead of trying to convince each other of your own political opinions, you agree that your objectives are to understand where each other has landed and why. Parameters can also address the time and place. Maybe you are willing to talk about these things, but only for an hour. Or only while cooking, not while sitting down for a holiday meal. Parameters are essentially boundaries that you put around a conversation that could become tense, adversarial, or emotional.
My big brother and I have some major disagreements about big things. He recently asked me to have a conversation with him. I told him I would only be comfortable with a conversation if our objective is to understand each other’s differing perspectives, not to try to convince each other of anything. He did not agree. He struggles with the fact that we disagree on this issue, and he wants to make a case again about why I should abandon my “side” and join his. I gently let him know I can’t wait to hang out with him for Christmas, but I’m not willing to talk to him about this issue until he relinquishes the desire to change my mind. (I doubt we will ever talk about this issue.)
Maybe you are like my brother in that story. You want to bring up politics, and you know if your loved one would listen, they would see the light and amend their ways. Maybe you are like me. You are willing to talk, but you have accepted that you will continue to disagree. Maybe you want to stay as far away from these conversations as I want to stay away from the holiday abomination my husband makes us purchase—eggnog!
No matter where you fall, decide what parameters you are comfortable with. Decide what you are willing to discuss and share, and what you want to protect or avoid. You cannot force someone to sign on to your parameters, but they cannot force you to talk about something outside of the parameters you are comfortable with. Setting parameters for a conversation is like going over the rules of a board game. If you can’t agree on the rules, then don’t play the game. The holidays can be hurried, overwhelming, financially demanding, and emotional. They also can be restful, fun, and recharging. Don’t let conversations you have not signed up for derail the good stuff.
Happy holidays from your friends in the Ombuds Office! We wish you relaxation and peace throughout this time. s it might not be possible for you.
Box #1:
What is the Ombuds Office?
The Ombuds Office is a confidential, independent, neutral, and informal space for staff to process concerns, get information, and develop options for how to move forward in a difficult situation. I can provide education, conflict coaching, mediation, and facilitation as well as referrals to other resources across Clemson. If you are unsure how to move forward in any way, I can help you work through it.
Tessa Byer
Phone: 864-656-5353
Email: tbyer@clemson.edu
Address: 135 Old Greenville Hwy, Ste. 203 (Next to Esso!)
Box #2:
Save the date for upcoming trainings offered by the Ombuds:
Don’t Tough It Out: Difficult Situations at Work
January 21, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00
Virtually only, sign up here:
https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/cf15179e/enroll
Emotional Intelligence at Work
February 2, 2026, from 9:00 to 12:00
In-person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:
https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/1be18cf1/enroll
Teamwork that Works
February 26, 2026, from 12:00 to 1:00
Virtually only, sign up here:
https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/f60659b8/enroll
Combating Burnout and Cultivating Resilience
March 6, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00
Virtually only, sign up here:
https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/86042925/enroll
Navigating Intergenerational Workplaces
April 10, 2026, from 9:00 to 11:00
In person at University Facilities Center, sign up here:
https://clemson.bridgeapp.com/learner/training/8c562aa0/enroll
